I am out with the Lanterns Looking for Myself

A couple of days ago was my best friend’s birthday, where she shared her favorite quote with us by Emily Dickinson, “I am out with the lanterns looking for myself”. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this quote since I heard it. I think it perfectly encapsulates the feeling of being a woman in your twenties. 

While Dickinson wrote this quote in a lighthearted letter to her friend about moving houses and missing her belongings, the quote resonates with me on a much more significant level. Being a woman in my early twenties, I feel like I have lived through a million different versions of myself, none of which last. I realize the point of growing up is to learn and evolve, but how can you keep up with the world around you when you don’t even know who you are yet? I search for things I like and don’t like, where I do and don’t belong, and what I do and don’t feel. Each of these define who I am. Luckily, I have strong core beliefs and a good head on my shoulders thanks to my parents dedication to preparing me for feelings like this, but that only gives you guidelines on who you should be, so how do you find out exactly who you are? What if you are out with the lanterns all your life and that’s just the way it’s supposed to be? If you’re constantly changing, is it possible to really find yourself?

I think there’s also a fine line between who you truly are and who you want to be. You don’t go searching for who you want to be without knowing who you are. I think most people spend their whole life trying to find who they truly are and what they truly want from life - not who they desire to be. Once you know who you are you can focus on who you want to be, then who you are starts to change. The tricky thing is, once you start to change to become who you want to be, you might forget who you are again, and the cycle repeats. 

For example, I am ambitious but lazy, loving yet insecure, bubbly yet suffer from depression. I am all of these things that contradict each other, so who I really am is somewhere in between and who I want to be is only part of this list. I want to be ambitious and motivated, loving and secure, bubbly and happy, but that’s not who I am - at least not yet. When I try to be someone who aligns with who I want to be, I know it’s a facade because that is not who I truly am right now. But what if I'm someone who truly just wants to be a better version of myself? 

I unfortunately don’t have a conclusion on this topic. Always searching to be and to have more may lead to unhappiness with who you truly are, or it may end up completely changing who you are for the better. Who you are and who you want to be commonly get intertwined, for better or worse, but if you’re anything like me, searching for who you truly are is worth the risk. So, if you need me, I am out with the lanterns looking for myself.